Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Geniuses.

Here are a few sports geniuses:

Peyton Manning. Tom Brady is the best football player, and Peyton Manning is a genius. 

Gregg Popovich and Tim Duncan. Co-geniuses. Others gamble, they operate. They are also two badass motherfuckers disguised as dorks. 

Terry Francona. Derives his genius from the enormous wads of gum he chews. His genius is not his managerial style, but simply the decision he makes nightly to chew 2-3 pounds of gum at a time. 


Here are a few people who you might think are sports geniuses, but they are not:

Bill Belichick. He is a mad scientist, not a genius. A genius tolerates humanity.

Larry Bird: Savant. Possesses maybe the keenest basketball mind of all time, but shares more intellectually with Lennie from Of Mice And Men than Stephen Hawking.

Troy Aikman: Nobody actually thinks Troy Aikman is a genius, except for Troy Aikman. Troy, if you're reading, you are a clod, not a genius. Thank you for your readership.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Is Ricky Rubio A Little Bitch? Unclear

Spanish basketball phenom Ricky Rubio and his handlers have declared that he won't play in the NBA until at least 2011. When he does decide to join the league, it's unknown if he'll choose to play for the Minnesota Timberwolves, who drafted him, or if he'll try to steer his way into a less Minnesota-centric situation, such as any team that is not in Minnesota. 

On the surface, this is definitely a little bitch move. He entered the draft, a team drafted him, and now he's not showing up and playing ball for them. Appropriate responses include "what the hell" and "that guy is being a little bitch." But digging deeper, is he in fact being a little bitch, or is he not actually being a little bitch and doing something else instead? As a devout enthusiast of pure point guard play, which is what Rubio stands for in my eyes, allow me to defend the man. Or, kid. He's 18. 

Everyone has a right to determine their own path through life, unless they have signed legally binding documents dictating that they have to do things for other people who are more powerful than them, correct? Something like that? Well, Rubio hasn't signed anything. There is no contract. While it is certainly weak for him not to go to work for the team that gave him a chance in the NBA, it makes sense on his end. By all accounts Minnesota is a bad, cold place to be if you are not a deer or wolf, and he's coming from Spain so that would be an especially rough transition. Also, it's a small market and he wouldn't be able to capitalize on endorsements there the way he would if he played in NYC or LA or somesuch large market. So, sure. Fine. Don't worry about it, Ricky. The fine people of Minnesota will forgive you when they are done waiting for their cars to warm up as they leave the parking lot of the Mall of America. 

It makes sense for him basketball-wise, too. The Wolves have a lot of young, promising, but overall unproven talent, and he would just be more of that on the pile. I'm sure he'd play fine, but it wouldn't be an ideal situation for him. He would be bored and nobody would care. The other realistic option is the Knicks, which makes complete and total sense. He's the perfect (PERFECT) player for coach Mike D'Antoni's system ("go as fast as you can and put the ball in the basket while looking cool"), and he would play right in to the Lebron-to-NYC thing. They'd fit together lock and key: global icon in the making, charging down the court, dunking repeatedly off of sweet no-look passes from the slick European point guard with matinee-idol looks and a great name. Damn. Imagine the two of them filming ads together, awkwardly clowning around. They could sell gravel to children.